Real Reasons

Let's talk about the real reasons I'm writing this. Or the real reasons my mom told me to write this.

Like I mentioned, I graduated from college in May. Now, I don't want to toot my own horn too much, but up until now, I've felt pretty successful academically and professionally. I auditioned for and was accepted to my high school (a performing arts charter school). While I was there, I worked hard taking all honors and AP courses, was involved in student government, theatre, and the yearbook, and was voted "most likely to succeed." Then I got in to my top choice college. After taking a little while to adjust, I found my stride. I fell into a job in the admission office as a tour guide, and by junior year was working as a supervisor and feeling on top of the world. I had a professional internship that summer, and although it was hard, I was getting paid to do what I (thought I) wanted to do when I "grew up."

Then it got closer to graduation. I was finishing my honors thesis, graduating with highest honors, and applying and interviewing for year-long internships at theatres around the country when it hit me: I didn't want to do theatre anymore. That was a big deal. The even bigger deal wasn't what I decided I wanted to do (work in college admission), but where I decided I wanted to do it. Over the course of a weekend or so, I set my heart on moving to the west coast with my boyfriend.

None of my pictures from graduation turned out well. That may have to do with the fact that we (my family and I) were all cranky and hungry by the end of the ceremony and I really, really didn't want to play photoshoot. Or something.

For the next three months or so, I alternated between calling my mom crying and hyperventilating at my boyfriend, convinced I was making the biggest mistake ever in the world. At no point during all this did I change my mind, I just needed them to tell me that I was making the right choice. Eventually, after a lot of packing, list making, obsessing, and oh, did I mention (what felt like) the millions of cover letters and resumes I sent, I arrived in California. Within 24 hours of landing, I had a job offer. Within two weeks, I was moved into an apartment, had bought a car, and had signed a million papers agreeing to take said job. It felt like everything was falling into place.

Until it stopped. All of a sudden, the job that was going to be full time "for at least a few months" was part time in the second month. And I was no longer working with my team, but sitting in a room by myself scanning documents. California didn't seem as exciting when I realized that I wouldn't have any extra money and I wouldn't actually be able to spend time with my boyfriend because he works 50-60 hours a week. The idea of meeting new people was (and is) completely overwhelming, and I just wanted to give up. I felt like a failure. And two months later, hearing friends talk about their great jobs, roommates, friends, lives, I still feel that way.

Not all the time. I'm not overwhelmed constantly by a sense of failure. But it's often enough. And I feel like I'm stuck here, at least for the next 5 or 6 months, since even if I got a job somewhere else, I wouldn't be able to pay two rents. I don't feel right applying to other full time jobs here, because I know I have no real intention of staying past the end of my lease. I don't feel right just sitting around waiting for my lease to be up. I just don't feel right. So I'm working on ways to make myself feel like I'm accomplishing something this year, even if I don't really save any money or move forward in my career or feel like moving to California was worth it.

Just to clarify, I love being with my boyfriend. I don't care how stupid and girlish and whatever else that sounds. I'm happy I tried moving here to be with him. And the idea that he might not be in the picture this time next year, if I end up moving far far away and he decides not to come with, is devastating. But I tried being here with him, and now (in 5 to 9 months) I have to try going somewhere for myself. Right?